If fountain pens were coffee

I’d end up in a hospital with heart palpitations

First things first, I am a swine and most times, I put oat milk in my coffee. It’s not that I despise drinking dark, bitter liquids on their own; I’m no stranger to enduring horrible situations (I work in social services), yet one can’t dip an unsweetened banana into an equally unsweetened coffee and remain cheerful for the day. Black coffee has a time and a place, and it’s called Colombia, where coffee’s great on its own; at home, I shall foul my morning cup with some sweetener and oat milk, thank you very much.

That being said, it appears that some people don’t do coffee, and those who do sometimes choose other ways to enjoy their morning. I will venture to say there’s a similarity between coffee habits and our very own fountain pen community, at least in regards to the odd choices in life.

Based on your choice of coffee, I’ll tell you which pen would fill your cup (tee hee).

Side note, all of these are written in jest; and I’ll tell you at the end which type of a coffee drinker I am.

I take my pens how I take my coffee: too much at the same time.

Espresso. What’s better than drinking a shot of coffee in the morning without sitting down to enjoy it? Try a Kaweco Sport. This versatile pen is amazingly useful if you don’t want capacity, the ability to use it unposted, or a consistent nib. For any add on, please add $$$ (similar to wanting an extra shot or some milk in your minuscule drink). You get to use a cartridge since you don’t like the environment; or, alternatively, you can use a converter that holds even less ink! This is a go-go-go pen that you can stuff in your pocket, your bag, or conveniently forget somewhere because it’s so small you accidentally mistook it for your chapstick and decided not to worry about your skin that day.

Americano. You think you’re drinking coffee but it’s really just a watered down version of espresso and you also may benefit from the Kaweco Piston Sport. You get more volume for more money but it’s still basically the same pen, just… more expensive. Enjoy!

Cappuccino. You’re a person of substance. You’ll go to a coffee place and order this concoction and sit in the window seat with the cup that will go from undrinkably hot to disgustingly cold in no time. You may be found in a quaint coffee place with a book you don’t care to read but will tell everyone how enjoyable it is — Moby Dick, very likely, or something equally as pretentious — and you will sport your Pilot Custom 823 that will be resting against your Midori or Traveler’s Notebook while you’re thinking about the next novel you will definitely write in the next ten years.

Cold brew. Bold and beautiful, this type of drink will keep you entertained for hours, buzzing with excitement. Sometimes you’ll add a splash of milk, or cold foam and dip a banana in the drink, and proceed to write silly blog posts on the internet, but deep down all you really want to drink is a damn latte with lavender or rose syrup. The pen you’ll never stop talking about is the Pilot Vanishing Point, but you’ll secretly spend hours scouring the internet for that one Sailor that got away.

Latte. You like to indulge yourself, and coffee isn’t really your thing, but you kinda like the vibe of sitting in coffee places or walking around with a huge drink that is steadily getting more and more watered down. If you’re doing a hot latte, how’s your warm milk holding over? If you manage not to spill it over your notebook, you’ll proudly present your Sailor Pro Gear Slims to the barista while trying to flirt with them by winking with both eyes.

Iced Caramel Macchiato with flavorings and whipped cream and seven sugars? For you, coffee is not a drink, it’s a statement, a dessert, and the reason why you didn’t put a down payment for a house yet¹. Try a Benu! Or several of them! The Goulet Pens exclusive Iced Caramel Latte is the perfect pen for you, but you can pick your poison from many, many, many, many others.

Tea. If you chose tea, you’re probably a Bic user. Ew.

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I think it was safe to assume you’d find yourself in at least one of these drinks; I know I am most of them but I will proudly and loudly say I will never drink tea to save my life. I personally don’t care much for the Kaweco Piston filler and I do not own one, but the rest of the pens I certainly do.

What’s your drink of choice?

1. Just kidding. If you didn’t drink a $7 coffee daily for a year, you’d be saving enough money to buy several pens, but down payments for anything is… a fool’s errand.